Depression isn’t an uncommon subject these days, but when I began to have signs, I had no idea what it was. People always hear of actors suffering from it or someone they don’t associate with in their day-to-day life. Until one day, you’re sitting in your bedroom, struggling to breathe from all the tears and anxiety, wondering what’s wrong with you. For years I have suffered from depression and anxiety, and in the beginning, I lived with the constant pain and unpleasant thoughts. I never truly understood the causes of depression or how to handle it properly. I felt broken all the time, alone, and disconnected. My family wasn’t helping because they either didn’t understand or care. All I had was me, and that wasn’t enough. I kept silent for years, never truly believing I struggled with an actual mental condition. It wasn’t until halfway through college that the subject of depression and anxiety came up in class. Since I went to school for photography, you could only imagine how many photo series we discussed or had done based on these “feelings.” But what’s the difference between someone who suffers from it and someone who doesn’t.
The pain.
The pain someone can feel through an image. When photographers create a series, they have a deep meaning or reasoning behind it. Most don’t make a series that revolves around depression for fun. They’re trying to express themselves through the camera the best way they know. Everyone has different coping mechanisms. Some can seek medical help, find intricate hobbies, or even resort to nature and go outside to see the beauty in something else. For myself, I focused on the latter and resorted to nature. I’ve always been a tomboy, and my parents practically raised me outside 24/7. I love being outside more than anything, especially when I’m lost in the woods with nothing but the surroundings of the outdoors. I picked up hiking quickly after college since I had a little more free time and loved it. Not only was I losing weight, but also it was “curing” my depression. So I thought. It masked it enough for a couple of years that I could get through the day and resituate myself. I went through some big moments in my life while struggling with it: getting married, moving back to my hometown, receiving a promotion, buying a house, and more. I didn’t know I could still hit rock bottom out of nowhere, even though I thought I had essentially cured myself.
And that happened. I remember the day I begged my two friends to help me, to force me to get help because I couldn’t hold on any longer. I would struggle so much that it would make me physically sick. I could just be sitting in the car and start having an anxiety attack out of nowhere. I was scared to go out in public because I never knew when it would hit. I was ashamed that no one would like to be around me or tolerate my triggers. Fortunately, I had friends, and I still don’t think they realized they had saved me. My two best friends also struggle with mental health issues, and without their guidance, I don’t know where I would be, honestly. Even when I started my new journey, they stayed by me the whole way, ensuring I was okay and paying attention to any changes so they could let me know.
I have gone back to my being with nature when I can. Being a first-time mom is tough when it comes to finding free time, but thankfully my son loves to be outside too. Nature is an escape for me. I feel free and relieved. There are no pressures from me when I'm out in the woods. Just me, the trees, and the singing wind. I can cool off in a calming creek and find interesting details within different paths. It’s a whole other world when you look a little closer. I created this series, “Felt By Nature,” based on how I feel on my bad days and escape into nature. It helps me find myself when I feel lost inside. People might not see it on the outside, but it’s a constant battle on the inside. It isn’t until I’m “felt by nature” that I’ve found myself again.
Thank you to my two friends, Melisa Yermal (also my beautiful model) and Giovanni Mazzola, for pushing me to get the help I needed and never giving up on me. Thank you also to my husband for dealing with my difficult self and always doing whatever I need to be okay and feel safe. I appreciate you all so much and don’t know what I would do without you.
Substance Abuse and Mental Health Helpline - 1-800-662-HELP (4357)
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline - 1-800-273-8255
National Hopeline Network - 1-800-442-HOPE (4673)
